How Skullsplitter Came to Red Orc Brewery...or not

A chorus of chittering drew the orc's attention away from his work at the brewing vats. Had a swarm of rats invaded the brewery? The orc wiped away the gathered sweat from his brow and set down a damp rag as he got to his feet. Gazing about the warehouse, he sought out the source of the noise. It sounded as if it was coming from a storage room at the back of the brewery where he kept the supplies of hops, rye and barley.

Jake made his way towards the storage room, muttering about the distraction from his work. It was time to begin making his Orktoberfest brews and he would need those supplies. If they were infested and had to be replaced, the orc was going to be very grumpy.

The orc peered into the storage room, slate grey eyes adapting to the dim light coming in from a half-shuttered window high up on the wall. He drew in a sharp breath and cursed darkly as he caught sight of the vermin gathered on the storage room floor. A hand went to his knifehilt as he considered charging into them. A moment later he gave up the notion as useless. Once infested with goblins, there simply was no way to get rid of them...at least not until they got bored and wandered off on their own....

~~~~~


"A Strange Orc in a Strange Dwarf Land"
or
"Grumpy Stumpy Dwarf People Got Ale?"


"...and that's when Jake got the idea to visit the grumpy stumpy dwarf people."

A circle of goblin whelps, eyes alight with fascination, surrounded Mojo, their attention held by his story. "Tell us more, Unca Mojo! Tell us more! How did mean old Jake get the magic ale!" They chimed in unison, their shrill voices echoing off the stone walls of the room.

The bright yellow goblin twirled on tiptoes and rolled his cap down his arm. As it fell into his hand, Mojo shoved his other hand deep into the cap, much farther than should have been possible. When he pulled the hand free, a shower of glittering pixie light cascaded about the circle of clustered goblin whelps. They chittered as the pixie dust coalesced into a form. Standing at Mojo's feet stood a miniature figure, roughly eight inches in height, it was brownish in color with wild unkempt black hair, wore a bright red vest, and had a scowling visage. Tiny tusks sprouted from the image's lips and squinty eyes glowered out at the goblin.

The goblins bounced up and down, chittering with glee and laughter as the tiny figure held up a sign reading "I'm not green!" The figure snorted and grunted, brow furrowing and furrowing harder. It glared and stamped about, kicking up tiny clouds of pixie dust. The goblins rolled on the floor, giggling and laughing.

"Grumpy old Jake stamped about, and glowered at everybody," Mojo recited. "He flexed his muscles and held in his gut...he drinks a lot of ale you know...and threatened to beat up poor helpless goblins, but stamp and glower as he might..." as the tiny figure stamped and glowered, "...grumpy old Jake knew he'd have to get more of the ale that mean scary lady Janella liked so much."

Mojo pushed his hand deep into his hat once more, and pulled it out, scattering more pixie dust about. The glittering magical dust floated in the air, gently flowing down to resolve into another figure. This one was dressed mostly in red, tight-fitting leather and silk. In her gauntleted hands she held a pointy sword covered in tiny dwarven runes (which read "I like to hurt people! Don't make me hurt you! Better yet, make me hurt you!" and "This space for rent."). The little figure had striking black hair, icy blue-grey eyes and cherry red lips. As she appeared, she alternated between glowering and scowling and posing in ways that showed off her fine muscle tone and curvy figure.

The little orc glowered at the little Janella, and the little Janella scowled at the little Jake. Each in turn did their best to strike menacing poses. First little Jake, then little Janella, then little Jake, and back to little Janella.

The goblin whelps rolled on the floor and giggled. The little orc and warrioress glowered and stamped their feet towards the goblins. Waving their little swords and growling things that were censored out by little chimes.

Little Janella glowered and chimed at little Jake. Little Jake glowered and chimed back at her.

Little Janella waved an empty mug at little Jake. Giant tears formed at the corners of her eyes which grew to enormous size as she pleaded and chimed at Jake and pointed to the empty mug.

Little Jake shook his head and scowled and chimed and pointed to a tiny barrel of ale which he tried to offer to Janella. Upon the side of the barrel was an image, drawn in red crayon, of a scowling orc. But little Janella shook her head and pointed again at her empty mug and stamped her foot imperiously.

Little Jake shook the barrel at her, which finally burst open and sprayed black ale all about, drenching little Jake, little Janella, and the surrounding audience of goblins. The goblins giggled and laughed uproariously.

Little Janella glowered at little Jake, her sexy red leather and silk now all wet and drenched. Her black hair was matted down and hints of foam leaked down from her to drip onto the floor in a puddle. Her tiny face scrunched up and turned red, then redder, and then still redder, swelling with size with each deepening of color. Finally, a furious storm of chimes burst from her lips as she jumped up and down and pointed at her still empty mug.

The tiny orc figure threw up his hands in surrender and stamped away, while the tiny Janella began tapping her foot impatiently.

The little Jake stamped about in a tiny circle, slowing digging a deep furrow into the floor. As the tiny orc began sinking deeper and deeper into the furrow, a dark cloud formed over his head and began to make sounds of thunder. Finally when the orc had almost disappeared completely into the furrow, he stopped.

The tiny thundercloud hung over little Jake, threatening to break into a rain, before suddenly popping with a tiny flash and a loud pop. Whereupon a tiny little yellow goblin appeared and fell down to land at the edge of the deep furrow.

The goblin whelps cheered and applauded as the tiny Mojo appeared.

The tiny Mojo peered down at the nearly vanished orc and giggled and pointed before piping in a tiny voice, "Wha'cha doing, Jake?"

A stream of chiming started as little Jake leaped out of the furrow and tried to attack the itty bitty goblin. The little orc slipped and fell, scattering tiny knives and daggers all about, much to the amusement of the goblin audience which fell back laughing.

The little orc tried to get up, but slipped again, and again, and finally gave up. Then the little goblin hopped onto the orc's head and bent over, his tiny goblin head upside and looking at the little orc. "Wha'cha doing, Jake?" it repeated.

"That's when grumpy old Jake explained that mean scary lady Janella, with the neato sword, wanted ale made by the grumpy stumpy dwarf people." Mojo explained to the watching goblins.

"But of course, grumpy old Jake didn't know how to get ale from the grumpy stumpy dwarf people. After all, the grumpy stumpy dwarf people don't like orcs like grumpy old Jake.

"But the grumpy stumpy dwarf people aren't very bright...probably from all that ale they drink all the time! So...Mojo, being the clever goblin he is..." whereupon the audience giggled and cheered, "...had an idea."

A tiny lightbulb lit up over the head of the tiny little goblin figure as it bounced up and down in glee.

"Mojo rummaged into his magic hat and pulled out a dwarf beard for grumpy old Jake to wear to fool the grumpy stumpy dwarf people!" The tiny goblin image leaped upon the little Jake and began forcing the beard into place as the little orc tried to fight him off.

The goblins giggled and snickered at the sight of the tiny orc wearing a brown beard which did nothing to conceal his scowling features or the tusks which sprang from his lips.

The now bearded, and still scowling, orc figure chimed at the tiny goblin and shook his fist, but when he noticed the little Janella figure still tapping her foot impatiently, he finally started stamping off.

"Grumpy old Jake stamped and stamped and made his way to the hills where the grumpy stumpy dwarf people lived in holes in the ground. Isn't that a silly place to live? Grumpy old Jake didn't believe the beard would fool the grumpy stumpy dwarf people." The little orc tugged at the beard, and scratched at his face where the beard made him itch.

"But grumpy old Jake should have had more faith in Mojo, because the grumpy stumpy dwarf people were completely fooled by Mojo's disguise and pulled the grumpy orc down into one of their holes so they could have a party.

"Of course, the grumpy stumpy dwarf people don't really know how to have fun. They stood around and tried to make music, and they tried to sing." Tiny dwarf figures appeared and stood around the orc figure, clearly shorter and looking nothing like the orc. They tried to dance, but were completely out of step to the imaginary music.

"The only thing the grumpy stumpy dwarf people really know how to do is guzzle ale! The grumpy stumpy dwarf people pulled out huge mugs and barrels of ale which they guzzled and guzzled and guzzled." The tiny dwarves cavorted about with mugs bigger than their heads and thirstily gulped down ale, spilling foam and ale about. They bumped off each other and spilled more ale, then bumped into each other again. Occasionally one would turn green and throw-up, but immediately after, the dwarf figure would refill his mug and begin cavorting and guzzling again.

In the center of the mayhem stood the little orc-in-a-beard, tapping his foot and glowering at the dancing and guzzling dwarves.

Finally, the little dwarves began to fall over, their skins turning a pallid green as they collapsed and drooled onto the floor. Each in turn began a loud snoring which made the tiny orc figure hold his hands to his ears and shake his head.

"When the grumpy stumpy dwarf people all fell asleep, grumpy old Jake grabbed up their ale and stamped away, carrying back the ale that mean scary lady Janella wanted. And mean old Jake was so grateful to clever Mojo that he promised never to chase him again!"

The goblin whelps broke into a cheer and hopped up and down, losing their hats and bouncing about helplessly. "Yay, Unca Mojo! Yay, Unca Mojo! Unca Mojo saved the day!"

The tiny orc figure gave the ale to little Janella who jumped up and down with glee and hugged and kissed little Jake who turned bright red and tried to push her away, spitting as though to get rid of the cherry flavored kiss. The tiny Jake spewed a stream of chiming. Little Janella was so happy that she grabbed up the little Mojo and gave him a huge hug and a kiss as well.

"Then mean scary lady Janella remembered she's supposed to be mean and pretended not to be happy, and scowled at everyone, while grumpy old Jake scowled at everybody too, because he does that a lot. Then mean scary lady Janella filled up her mug and began guzzling her favorite ale, and she was very happpy, the end." The goblins giggled and cheered and bounced in a circle around their uncle Mojo. "We wanna hear it again, Unca Mojo! Tell us again!"

~~~~~

Jake stamped away, fuming and muttering to himself, "it didn't happen that way...."


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